Arrrghhhh. I purchased an iWatch. I think that is what it is called. It was a deal on Amazon. I purchased it because I was told that if, while wearing it, I fell and didn’t pop up within 5 minutes, it would send out an alarm, and 3 fire engine, six patrol car, seven ambulances and a partridge in a pear tree would show up to assist me to my feet.
What I was not informed was that this captivating little pink thing would start to take over my life. It would begin to tell me what to do and when. If I do not finish my circle of exercise and refuse to run laps around the dining-room table it gets ornery.
It informs me the number of calories I must burn off to meet its standard. The number of feet my feet need to travel to fulfill its day-to-day objective. Was I sought advice from? No. I do not know when all these various things started.
I likewise do not have idea one to inform me when I should check the stock market, the weather, my email, the world clock, some odd face, and a variety of symbols I can not analyze and am afraid to.
Where did they originate from?
I am told when it is time to stand up. There are times when it is not practical to stand up. If I am in church, I am not going to stand up in the middle of Ann Marie’s sermon. I would not wish to admit my watch purchased me to stand up.
At other times, it tells me that I need to require time for “mindfulness.” It assumes I have
a mind. I inform you today that it is typically filled with regret that I ever purchased this instrument of abuse that lives on my wrist. My
cardiologist informed me to put an app on my phone to take my own ECGs. Do
my own ECGs? What madness is this?
Yes, he stated. Then, he told me, I was to send the “strips” to his workplace to blah, blah, blah so he might monitor my heart. My
dimwitted appearance dominated and saliva dripped from the left corner of my mouth.”Possibly your child can help you with this?”
“MMmnnnnbggggff,” I mumbled as I left this holiest of medical halls.
The outcome was this. I ended up being obsessed. I was doing ECGs every 18 seconds except while sleeping. I did them at traffic signals, while viewing movies, after loading the dishwashing machine and while having my teeth cleaned up– a minimum of the lower ones. I lastly shook myself severely and stopped it.
Then a fast heartbeat was waking me up during the night. I was told to take the ECG when this happened. By the time I could stay up in bed, find the app on my watch, and touch the crown thingy, the tap dancing in my chest stopped. My
family and I were talking about a few of the British press’s mindset toward Meghan Markel and Prince Harry. Out of nowhere came this piping voice stating, “According to my web research, England has actually had two black Queens.”
Neither of my daughters has silly voices. I looked around and at the television wondering if we had the history channel on. No.
However Siri, that little imp on my watch, apparently was listening and chose to join our
conversation.
Since then, she has offered her FIFA favorites, the best dish for corned beef hash, and favored hairstyles for females of my age. I wish to know how she knows how old I am.
Her cutesy voice disrupts discussions. She wishes to be included. Am I expected to put her on birthday gift lists? Enlist her in junior college? Buy her a winter season coat? Send her to music camp?
How far do I have to go with this unseen insect who is invading my home?
I have actually considered burying this watch under a full moon in a remote field, dancing around a fire, while tossing potato skins in the air. But scared, as in Poe’s story, “The Tell-Tale Heart,” I would ever be plagued with a tiny voice in the night demanding that I stand or sit down or roll over.
I am really scared.
As it is, my iPhone knows method excessive about me. These 2 are in cahoots. Heaven understands what they depend on in the night while I sleep.
Susan Keezer resides in Adrian. Send your great news to her [email protected].